hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
