I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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