Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
