I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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