Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
