Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
