I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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