Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
