hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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