my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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