I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
