Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
