I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
