I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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