just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
