There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
