i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
