"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
