You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
