Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
