Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
