yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
