Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
