you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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