when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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