Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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