she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
