I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
