Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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