my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
