why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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