i think i have herpe
just one?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
