The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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