i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
