is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
