If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
