I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
