hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
