Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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