Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
