i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
