wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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