No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
