Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
