I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
