I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
