I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
