She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
