if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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