oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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