he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
